Arriving at 34

Turning 34 allows me the opportunity to pause and reflect back on when I was 24 and the additional years in between, bringing back many memories which allow me to witness the person I am today because of the past decade.

A few dazzling discoveries:

• Uncovering and fully receiving the gift of unintentionally being a bringer of "tower moments" for others, especially those who live in ways aligned with toxic femininity and toxic masculinity (loving both red bottom shoes and red brake calipers is hard😅): younger female bosses, workplace General Managers, neighbors, family members, people in power, female friends, boyfriends, boys dated, educational peers that I have literally never interacted with, randoms, the list goes on... Each experience was unique, yet it was interwoven with all of the other moments through a centralized underlying message to be given: disruption for re-harmonization. It was uncomfortable and upheaved the current circumstances that were no longer working and unearthed hidden thoughts, behaviors, and actions that weren't in alignment with the best possible path. Sometimes it required me to bring about the change through action or words; more often "it" (i.e. the event, another person's behavior, etc.) just happened to me/them by me simply being me in that place and time. In hindsight, it makes so much sense that this typically involved people who refuse to shine light on their shadows or cope through unhealthy tendencies, as well as those who have narcissistic behaviors. They all expressed such abrasive and often unwarranted behavior. Nearly all of these moments were just as difficult for me to experience and I never asked for them.  I felt most of this discomfort very heavily during the "tower moment" itself, with some reverberation even months or years later linked to the initial lesson that may not have been completely learned on my side. Yes - each situation was just as much of a learning and growth moment for me as it was the other individual(s). Residing in an environment that isn't healthy, lacks inclusion, torments you with mind games, challenges your sanity, pushes you down, or constricts who you are and what you're capable of saying and doing causes distress, duress, confusion, fear, mental exhaustion, self-doubt, self-deprecation, and many other detrimental things. These wear on a person's soul. Life taught me that it is equally important for me to move on from people, places, situations, and other areas as it is to invoke a "tower moment". These were learning and growth moments for me just as much the other individual(s).

• In Game Theory, the assumption of players being rational and intelligent is a huge one that people take too lightly. I’ve witnessed firsthand the unethical, dark, and/or outright cruel actions of others as well as the manipulative mind games to twist the story in one’s own favor. This relates to the tower moments as mentioned above and also extends further into the collective group of people on the planet today. Just as there is an endless list of individuals who bring so much joy, hope, love, and peace into the world, there are folks who refuse, or even lack the capability, to contribute positivity and compassion. This isn't something to be dwelled upon or even fully understood, however it needs to be recognized as it is present in our reality.

• No matter how hard we try, we cannot control the behavior of others. We cannot make them understand us, love us, like us, treat us with respect, act in a morally dignified manner. Even if we are kind and compassionate, they can still choose the opposite.

• Earth is strikingly beautiful. Traveling to both new and familiar locations is heart-filling. Connecting with a diversity of cultures, history, nature, and wildlife is wonderful and it is a gift to experience what this world has to offer. The reality is that we live in a wonderful world full of infinite amounts of magic and goodness. Admiring this natural world and enriching experiences with Mother Earth is where we should exert our energy.

• We create our own reality. Life is a winding road of possibilities with a wide open window to view whatever we want. Each of us in control of where we go, when we go, who we go with, how many times we go, whether we we even go. What we imagine can and usually will be ours. This completely blank canvas is both scary and amazing at the same time; it's just as much frustrating as it is full of excitement, hope, and joy. Yes! Life is what we make it. What we want and what we have wanted are reflected back to us. While I still don't fully grasp exactly how it works and why we are often faced with painful and sorrowful circumstances and experiences, I trust that each of us has the power to improve our situation and live in the best scenario possible if we intentionally make it so. We are all capable of leaning into the lessons in life and using them to our advatage, propelling us toward a better future.

• Time is invaluable. It is also non-linear.

• Always forgive. Never forget, but think and behave like you forget.

• Faith over fear.

• Laugh often. Find joy. Leave a little sparkle wherever you go.

• Boundaries = important.

• Our nervous system is far underrated.

As I turn 34, I would not do the past decade differently. Outside of spending more time with those I love who are no longer here on Earth, there is not much worth re-writing. I have made plenty of mistakes, but I wouldn’t change the lessons that were brought to me, what they taught me, or who I am today. Each experience has guided me to where I am at and offered me an enormous amount of growth, gratitude, and grace.

Beginning at age 33, I traded in hiding pieces of myself for living a life grounded in authenticity and rooted in love, regardless of how other people react to that. Arriving at 34, coming into wholeness and alignment with myself feels freeing. This year and beyond, I won’t apologize for being me or allowing others the freedom to be themselves either. And that, I believe, is my superpower.

With many emotions bubbling to the surface recently, especially in this reminiscing period, I warmly recall the lyrics to the song "23" by Jimmy Eat World and will leave you with these:

Amazing still it seems,

I'll be twenty-three,

I won't always love what I'll never have,

I won't always live in my regrets.

You'll sit alone forever,

If you wait for the right time,

What are you hoping for,

I'm here I'm now I'm ready.